The Happiness Paradox

Could you tell a person living in a dictatorship that you are not free?

Could you tell someone who has never owned a pair of shoes that you are not rich?

Today, I am pondering on what I call the happiness paradox. That is that the most comfortable, well-fed, healthy, long-living, safe, well-off and well-educated human beings that perhaps have ever lived are not happy with their lot. We are not happy, full stop. In modern societies we have unbelievable levels of depression, anxiety and suicide. I refuse to accept this. I want to feel good. I want others to feel good.

We overeat, drink, smoke, spend and consume because we feel empty, yet our lives are so full. We never feel like we have enough of anything, despite our abundant possessions and plentiful food supply. We lay our heads down somewhere comfortable, warm and safe every night then lie awake for hours in terror, unable to sleep.

Why?

Here are a few traps we can fall into, plus how we can avoid them:

Eyes always on the next prize: like a donkey walking all day motivated with a carrot on a string, we plod through our lives expecting that the future holds happiness for us. Staying with this metaphor, imagine the donkey passing endless heaps of juicy carrots stacked up on the roadside, ignoring those and continuing to focus on that one, unattainable carrot just out of reach. Sounds insane, right? But that is how we live our lives. Despite countless reasons to feel grateful, whole and happy, we continue searching for that little bit ‘more’.

Solution: awareness of this madness gives us the power to change. Look around you with awe and see all that you have already: family, friends, home, mind, body, education, experiences, everything! Reward yourself for your achievements and tell yourself ‘well done’ like you mean it. And if your path is still bringing you no joy, remember there are always options. Change the way you look at the situation, or change the situation.

Scarcity mindset: this is a belief that there is never enough to go round and that if someone else has something, they have made it less likely for you to have it. There is a great deal of writing on this topic, so I won’t go into a lot of detail (look here, here, here, or Google ‘scarcity and abundance’).

Solution: cultivate an abundance mindset. (See the links above for more info.) This is about generosity, positivity and gratitude; it’s not about being wasteful or denying that poverty and deprivation exist.

Scarcity and Abundance

(image source)

Comparing with the ‘best’: we have a tendency to compare ourselves with the ‘best’ that we can see. We find so many comparisons: wealth, our bodies and physical appearance, lifestyle, home, how we raise our children, even how happy and ‘fulfilled’ we are. This is despite the fact that by its very definition few people have ‘the best’. In most cases, it’s not even real. For example, I lusted over large, beautiful houses when I was younger. I thought they weren’t ‘for me’ (hello, scarcity mindset) and I would never get to live in a huge, beautiful home. Well hello, how many people actually do? Very few! And of those few, many are in the chains of a huge mortgage, maintenance costs, tax etc. Now I have gone totally the other way; I would absolutely avoid a mortgage, as I love the flexibility and options my life has. That’s just me. For years I felt bad about not having something that a) hardly anyone has and b) I didn’t even want. Lesson learned.

Solution: reconsider your comparisons. In reality, you’re probably doing very well. Yes, we can always find someone who is doing ‘better’, at least in our perception. Never forget that you are an awesome person with an awesome life. You were born in one of the best times and places of any human, ever. It’s fantastic. Find the awe and wonder in that.

Conclusions

To me, it’s all about perceptual contrasts. There’s a great deal of robust scientific and psychological research into this. Contrasts are being used by advertisers, politicians and salespeople to manipulate us on a daily basis, to make us feel like we haven’t got enough, that we shouldn’t be happy until we have more. The simplest example is the hot and cold water experiment. If your hand has just been in ice water, a room-temperature bowl of water will feel hot. If you’ve just immersed your hand in boiling hot water, the same bowl will feel chilly.As a result of our perceptual contrasts being manipulated, we live in a perpetual cycle of never feeling that we have enough. It’s bullshit. It’s lies. If you don’t know, it’s time to get to know. (Start here, or here).

I am not saying we live in a perfect situation or that there is not a continuing need to fight social injustice. What I am saying is happiness and wellbeing are choices we make. Our perception has been manipulated, and it’s possible to take back that control. With our plentiful modern lives, never have we been better placed to create inner feelings of satisfaction, bliss and abundance.

If not now, when?

Self-love test: relationships

Trigger warning: this post mentions abuse and manipulation in relationships.

Today, let’s talk about responsibility and self-love in relationships. If you have a pattern of relationships not working out for you, partners not respecting you, even a pattern of abuse, that’s something you can take responsibility for.

“So, what’s happened up until now is my fault? You’re saying I make people be horrible to me?”

Absolutely not. How they treated you was not okay and it came from them not you. Responsibility means you can learn from this, make changes and stop it happening again.

I’d like to make it clear that when I talk about ‘responsibility’, it’s not the same as ‘blame’. Taking responsibility for a situation means that you have the power to change it. That’s incredibly empowering, whereas blame – whether directed towards yourself or others – is all about faults, negativity and shame. I don’t like those things so I don’t want to talk about blame at all today. Blame? Eww, no thanks! What ‘faults’, you divine and beautiful creature? I see no ‘fault’ in you. (If you want to read more, here’s a short article on blame vs responsibility.)

When we lack confidence and self-love, we can get to the point where we don’t even realise that we’re being treated badly, or that we’re looking for characteristics in a partner that won’t bring us happiness. This is exacerbated by manipulative and / or abusive partners who will encourage feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. It’s often easier to see this happening to others than recognise it in ourselves. It’s also easier to see in hindsight than in the moment.

If you are letting people treat you disrespectfully over and over again, I put it to you that part of you thinks you deserve that. Here’s the relationships self-love test. It’s very simple:

Would you let someone you love be treated like that? Whoever that may be – your sister, child, brother, mother, best friend…. whoever you truly love and only want the best for. How would it feel to watch them being treated this way?

If you realise that you have fallen into a negative pattern of letting partners treat you like a lesser human being, then I believe there is only one course of action: stop having relationships until you can guarantee to yourself that you won’t let this happen again. And you may find this radical, but I believe it’s the only way. You can’t stop having relationships unless you also stop dating and having sex. Full stop. There’s no such thing as no strings.

If that idea sounds really scary to you, then this is all the more reason to do it! If you don’t like your own company, if you’re scared of being alone, or if you feel incomplete, I promise you a partner will never truly fill that gap. What you are missing is love for yourself, not love from someone else. If you expect someone else to fill this void in you, that is an unreasonable expectation and you will come across needy, clingy or demanding. You can do this, only you.

So, promise yourself: no more dating, sex or relationships.

Next, make 2 lists. Take your time and come back to them to add ideas or make changes. We all want different things out of relationships and have had different bad experiences, so the lists will be different for everyone. Put anything and everything on there, from small things to really huge stuff. Once you get started, you will come up with literally 100 things. Here are a few examples to get you started.

List 1: a loving partner does…. pay me genuine compliments; get me little gifts; make me feel attractive, even first thing in the morning with bed-hair; support my career choices; look at me like I’m their most precious thing.

List 2: a loving partner does not…. put me down in front of other people; put me down, ever; see crying as emotional blackmail; fail to show up when they said they would; avoid my calls.

The only rule is: do not include specific physical or financial qualities. Move away from these ideas – they’re limiting and will not bring you what you truly desire. Someone’s physical and financial attributes will not last forever, but true love can.

The next step is to put all these things into practice… with yourself! Yes, you read that right. You are worthy of this treatment and the first person who needs to start treating you this way is you. Start being nice to yourself. It’s not always easy but you will gradually get the hang of it. Don’t just think more positively, be actively nice to yourself – take yourself on dates, pay yourself genuine compliments, be forgiving and kind, gaze into your own eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you just the way you are.”

It’s okay if you don’t feel loving towards yourself yet, or if a part of you still feels hateful. Realising this is a call to action. These things take time. Start the self-loving behaviours now and over time you will see a change. In your self-talk, treat yourself kindly. Apply the self-love test again: “How would I say this to someone I truly love?” (There’s a blog post about this in the pipeline… when it exists I’ll come back here and link to it.)

“How long does it take? How do I know when I’m ready to try dating again?”

Only you know the answer to this. If you’re not sure, you’re probably not ready. You’re ready when you can tell yourself with absolute confidence and conviction that you will take yourself out of any situation where you’re being treated like less than you are, or less than the other person. The timing is different for everyone, but I think at least a year. Real change takes time.

“I’m not sure if I can go without sex for that long!”

Err, there is a way to release sexual tension without another person being present, you know. Do I need to spell it out? Self-love, in a different sense of the word 😉 This will also be beneficial, as you can get to know your body and learn about what kind of touch you do / don’t like. When you do start having sex again, it’ll be better.

So, now you are confident, self-loving and ready to get back out there. Remember those lists you wrote about what a loving partner does / doesn’t do? You need to expect that from a partner, plus you need to hold yourself to those standards in your treatment of others. What could happen? Here are the 3 possible outcomes: win / win / win!

1. You meet someone who isn’t willing to respect and cherish you, so you say goodbye and move on. This feels super empowering, trust me. Win!

2. You don’t find someone and that’s fine, because you genuinely like your own company now. Win!

3. Your next relationship is a healthy partnership, with mutual respect. Win!

As regular readers will know, I do not believe that genuine change can happen overnight. We have those lightbulb moments and shifts in awareness, yes, but we also need to put a lot of work in to create lasting change and keep it up. I promise you, it’s worth it! (See this post for more of my views on this.)

Your happiness is worth all this and more.

Self ‘improvement’: the pitfalls

You will see many posts on here extolling the virtues of self-development. Of course you will – it’s my career, my passion, my obsession! It’s absolutely amazingly awesome! Despite its title, this post is more of the same. I am writing this because I wish I had read something like it in the past myself. Look out for these traps, as they will slow you down. However, please be gentle and forgiving with yourself if you do fall into any of them.

1. The word, ‘improvement’ and what it implies

Lately I’ve stopped using the term, ‘self-improvement’ because I don’t like what it implies: the notion that you, me or anyone else needs to be ‘improved’ in some way. To me that sounds like we’re not good enough, that we don’t make the grade, and I don’t agree with that sentiment. I’m all about the self-love, being gentle and compassionate with ourselves. I believe that I am already whole and I am happy with myself in the here and now. I wouldn’t tell someone I love that they need to be ‘improved’, so I can’t say that to myself.

2. Feeling (and acting) superior

You found these amazing new ways of thinking and you feel fantastic! Go you! Not like that guy over there, he’s got no idea, look at him with all his negativity, he’s just attracting more of what he doesn’t want, he’s not doing well at life, not like you with your newly found ways of being excellent. Eww, how negative did that sound? I thought we were supposed to be thinking positive here? Starting to get my point? Not only do you sound unattractively self-aggrandising, It’s important to be aware that one key to happiness is to avoid being judgemental towards others. Plus, as our feelings towards ourselves can reflect outwards, it’s a sign you might be feeling a bit of number 3…

3. Activating the inner critic

Aargh I just had a negative thought… I just judged someone, OMG… I’m really not good at this self-improvement stuff… Eeek I said ‘improvement’, I just heard that’s the wrong word… I must be better, try harder, get up earlier…. I promised myself I’d do everything on my list and I didn’t… I’ve FAILED!!! 

Look, it’s really fabulous that you care so much about what you’re doing. Seriously, that’s great, keep it up. But if the result is being hard on yourself, please try to relax. Notice areas that you can work on but remember that we humans prefer praise to punishment. Smile and congratulate yourself when you get it right; brush it off and resolve to keep going when you get it ‘wrong’. Well done, you spotted something just after you did it, you’re on the right track. You’re not ‘wrong’, you’re brilliant. If you keep believing that happiness will come when you try a bit harder, when you have a bit more money, you will always be chasing the next goal, without real feelings of achievement. Remember the words of Buddha: “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”

4. Worrying that you’re not ‘happy enough’

“Happiness is the way,” you say? Oh shit, that’s not good because today I’m not happy at all! In fact, I’m often not happy, Ohhh dear I’m really getting all this wrong…

There goes that inner critic again. Shhh, inner critic, chill, it’s fine, you’re fine. Nobody is happy all the time, that’s just not how the brain works. Be kind to yourself and others, aim to do things that make you feel better not worse. Smile, live in the moment, listen to music, have a bath, whatever. Cut yourself some slack. You’re fabulous, remember that. (Also, check out this post.) If you are struggling with persistent anxiety and / or low mood, please don’t handle this alone. Speak to a good friend, your GP, a coach, whatever feels right for you.

5. Expecting others to ‘join in’

I read an excellent article on Huffington Post recently on how self-development can cause tension in relationships. So rather than me waffling on, I suggest you take a look. And for those who aren’t in a link-clicking mood, I’ll simply say: remember that your partner / friend / relative / colleague is not you. You cannot push them to be your vision of what you think they should be. Give them space to be themselves. Be supportive and loving. Take responsibility for your reactions towards other people: your reaction is coming from you, not them. Also, may I refer you back to point 2.

I have approached this topic with lightness and a sense of humour, as that’s how I strive to approach ‘mistakes’ in general. Just remember, recognising something unhelpful and deciding to make changes is good. That’s progress. Keep it up, champ! Keep on being the awesomeness that is you 🙂

Thank you for reading.

Train every day

How do we develop and maintain a fit, healthy body? We all know the answer: it’s about the food we put in and regular exercise.

Imagine this: You have a goal for your body. You’ve trained and trained, eaten well, worked hard for months and finally the marathon, flexibility, rock hard abs, weight loss, whatever the goal was, it’s here. You did it. Fantastic! Feeling great! You love your new, capable, powerful body and want to keep it that way. So, what now? ‘Well duh, Alice!’ you’re probably thinking, ‘keep it up!’

If you stop those new routines then predictably muscles wither, weight rises, stamina drops and so on. In a few months, it’s like it never happened. If you stick with it, then in time the new routines become a way of life. Things get easier and more natural. Does it never, ever feel like a chore getting up early, lifting the weights and avoiding the cake? Well, no, but just look in the mirror, feel how effectively your body works now, bask in the compliments you get now, feel that new confidence and you’ll find the motivation to keep going.

I’m here today to tell you, with mental health it’s just the same. There is no quick fix or one-time-only option. It’s all about a change in habits and then constant maintenance. Changes in thoughts and behaviour take time and effort. You don’t go to the gym once and see a physical change, and the same goes for the mind. Changes take time to produce effects. At first it’s tough to stay with the new habits, but gradually you will see the benefits and feel the difference. Your actions will depend on your goal and starting point plus what works best for you, just as with physical health.

The mind does not work exactly the same as the body in this way, though. Now and again we have an amazing ‘lightbulb moment’: a sudden shift that can produce changes instantly. This has happened to me, once when I spent an hour with a master life coach, and several times when I have read, listened to or watched a new piece of self-development material. A long while ago, my boss at the time could see I was really ‘stuck’. He sat me down and said, “You’re relieved from your tasks for now. Instead, watch this movie.” It was The Secret, my first experience of self-development and positive thinking, and… Wow! A lot of things fell into place and it was the start of a new journey. It happened to me again more recently when I watched The Shift by Dr Wayne Dyer. In just two hours I experienced a profound change in my thinking.

This feeling when it happens is incredible, awe-inspiring even. However, then we come back to the physical fitness metaphor. A positive change will need constant maintenance to maintain and develop, even if it begins suddenly. It is vital to create new routines, check in with yourself regularly to see if they’re working or need modifying, and above all stick with it. In time, these new habits become natural. Soon, you can look back and see how far you have come. Trust me, it feels awesome!

Maybe that sounds like hard work? Well, put it this way: does a lifetime of unhappiness and never reaching your true potential sound ‘easier’?

Simply, smile

Here is a very simple and effective exercise: smile. That’s it. Just smile. However you feel, smile right now and you will feel better with every moment that smile is on your face. It can feel a bit silly at first (especially if you are in public!) but revel in the silliness and smile. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing: happiness makes us smile, but smiling can also make us happy.

Try it today, right now. Move your facial muscles into a broad, genuine smile and aim to keep it for at least four minutes. It can help to bring to your mind blessings you have in your life and things that make you happy – but if you can’t, don’t worry. Smile first, and the positivity will come. And if you are feeling good already, don’t resist the urge to smile. Do it, and see how those good feelings keep flowing and become enhanced.

The map is not the territory

Allow me to perhaps sow a seed for you today.

I love coffee, but oh my goodness, have you ever taken a mouthful of coffee expecting tea?

The title of this post is one of the Pillars of NLP. (While I am not an NLP practitioner myself, NLP does overlap with my own coaching style and other areas of self-improvement.) ‘The map is not the territory’: what does that mean? Put simply, our internal ‘map’ – or representation – of the world and our experiences is subjective, varies from person to person and can be altered.

I used to work with a person widely held as ‘difficult. I began dreading days when I knew we’d be working together. So one day, I decided to change my map. I simply decided that I liked her and that she was misunderstood. Every time I felt irritation, I brought this thought into my mind. And guess what? We had a great day together. I found that by changing this one expectation, my interpretations and resulting reactions to her behaviour changed completely. Not only did I have a better day, I think she did too. People can tell when we don’t like them, even if we think we’re hiding it. I became more interested in her as a person and as a result asked her more questions. I came away with some useful advice for myself, as it turned out she was very knowledgeable in some of my own areas of interest. In fact, it transpired that we had loads in common. In one day, this person became my favourite workmate and I became disappointed when we were not on the rota together!

Tony Robbins puts forward the view that depression and unhappiness are a result of our lives not matching the ‘map’ we have of how things ‘should’ be. He suggests that we can change either the map, the territory, or both (look up ‘Tony Robbins depression’ on YouTube if you’re interested).

How can we experience the world differently if we change our expectations? That is my question for today.

It’s nice to be nice, but it’s not easy!

Two powerful questions:

Why, when we feel bad, are we drawn to things that make us feel worse?

How could our lives change for the better, if we could break these patterns?

If you have bad feelings towards someone, it will be hard for you to be kind and forgiving towards them. When we dislike someone or they have treated us badly, we have little desire to treat them well. Now imagine someone persistently keeps being kind to you and giving you compliments. Over time you will grow to like them, even if you hated them initially. The same goes for how we treat ourselves. So, the worse you are feeling, the less likely you are to do something positive to turn it around. However, when we feel good about ourselves, that’s when we treat ourselves well.

We’ve all been there: feeling tired, ill, run-down, depressed, low self-esteem, self-hate or all of the above. You know that there are numerous ways to improve this situation, such as talking to a loved one, counting blessings, pampering, going outdoors… the list is endless! But, what are you most drawn to? Chances are, it’s junk food, inactivity, negative thoughts, staying up late, drink, drugs, whatever. What follows is guilt, self-doubt, feeling ill, etc. and the cycle continues.

On the other hand, wake up feeling good about yourself and the world, and that’s the day you’ll go for a run, do a random act of kindness, eat something healthy and so on.

We know what we can do to heal our mind and body and get past this unpleasant state, but unhealthiness seems to breed more of the same. It can feel difficult or impossible to break free from these habits and interrupt the pattern. A spiral begins of self-hate and guilt for engaging in what we know are the ‘wrong’ behaviours. The classic example is someone struggling with their weight: feel bad about overeating; eat more, feel worse, eat even more.

Take action today:

• When you notice yourself feeding your own negativity or unhealthiness, stop and ask yourself those two powerful questions above. Don’t beat yourself up over it, just laugh at the absurdity. Sometimes, seeing how illogical our actions are can be enough to change them.
• Put strategies in place before the negative state happens. During a positive frame of mind, write down 5-10 actions or strategies to deal with yourself when you are feeling negative. Don’t wait until the feelings happen to decide how to deal with them. Problem-solving ability is seriously impaired by negative emotions. When you are in a good place, make a map for yourself of how to get back there if you need to.
• Be your own role model. It is likely that you know how to make someone else feel better; someone you love and care for. What is it that you do and say? Could you do something similar for yourself?
• Make a commitment to yourself. Write it down for more power and put it on the wall; something along the lines of: ‘I love you and I want you to be happy. When you are feeling down, I promise to do things that make you feel better’. You have the power to change your own behaviour. Only you. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
• Every time you succeed with your new strategies, reward yourself: something that makes you feel genuinely good and doesn’t involve a bad habit like spending or eating. Think of a few different ideas. This brings you into a positive cycle – do something good for yourself, feel better, reward yourself, feel better still. And if you fall off the wagon, try not to be disheartened; forgive yourself, or you will engage that negative cycle again.

Is any of this inner and outer change easy? No. Is it worth it? A thousand times yes!! I promise you, the more self-loving behaviours you engage in, the more you will feel genuine love for yourself.

Positivity breeds positivity

Negativity attracts more negativity. Our brains recall memories that are in line with our current emotional state – this is an established psychological theory. For example, you feel you have ‘failed’ and immediately you are flooded with memories of many other times when you have felt this way. ‘I must be a failure, look at all these times I’ve failed.’ One negative thought leads to another.

Happily, this is the case with positivity, too. Hence, the emphasis on daily routines of gratitude and counting blessings, found in most self-help programmes. It really works.

Take action today:

• Start the day feeling thankful. Dr Wayne Dyer recommends that the first words you say upon waking should be ‘thankyou, thankyou, thankyou’.
• Keep a gratitude diary daily. Record 5-10 things you are grateful for today. This could be something good that happened today, or something in your life every day like friends, family, health or living situation.
• At any point of the day, especially if your mod dips or there is a negative situation, simply count your blessings. Bring one good thing after another to mind. ‘The Secret’ recommends thinking of one blessing with each breath you take, for this exercise.