PEACE IS NOT FOUND WITHIN SOLITUDE, IT’S FOUND… – http://wp.me/p77llw-4H
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Reblog: You Don’t Need A Valentine To Celebrate Valentine’s Day
“Being single on Valentine’s Day is not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. In fact, I think it calls for a celebration.”
Source: You Don’t Need A Valentine To Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Read the above post whether you are single or not – it’s fabulous. Brilliant ideas! I totally agree! And I would like to add….
I started my ritual of buying myself flowers on valentine’s day when I was single one year, with much the same motivation as the author of this excellent post. I would like to add that celebrating self-love is something we should try our hardest not to lose when we are in a relationship again. The love of another person is no substitute or replacement for love of oneself. The fabulously insightful Brené Brown puts forward the (controversial) view that the amount of love we have for ourselves is the amount we are able to give to others – i.e. love yourself more and have more love for those around you. I still get myself valentine flowers every year, whether or not there is someone else to do so too. ❤ ❤
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion comes into a lot of my writing, so I thought it’s about time to address it directly. First, what is compassion? The dictionary definition is:
“a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them.”
(source)
So, self-compassion is simply compassion applied to oneself. Except, it doesn’t always feel simple. Self-compassion is one of the most difficult personal qualities to master – and also one of the most important. While the word ‘self’ comes up an awful lot, self-compassion is anything but ‘selfish’. This way of thinking, feeling and being will open your mind and heart to the shared experience of humanity, so you will find yourself better able to extend compassion towards others too.
There really is no quick fix or set of simple instructions here. Practising self-compassion is a lifetime project. However, with a few simple actions and shifts of thinking, you will see results straight away. Now over to Dr Kristin Neff, the leading researcher in this field.
Here are some brilliant pieces of writing by Dr Neff that explain self-compassion clearly and in an inspiring way that’ll make you want to start today. I’m posting links to articles rather than doing a quick summary then directing you towards her website, as she says it much better than I ever could. Plus as I said, self-compassion is so vitally important to mental health and wellbeing, I don’t wish to skim over it or have you do the same. Hey, I get it, you wanted to read a quick blog post not follow links and read long articles. But honestly, these links could change your life. This is real, evidence-based, powerful information which will enhance not only your own existence but that of others around you. Go on, click – you’re worth it! And if you don’t believe you’re worth it, all the more reason to click 😉
Does self-compassion mean letting yourself off the hook?
When Gratitude Lists Fall Short
A brilliant point, succinctly made!
I have started a gratitude lists/journal many times so this article in the New York Times was a wake-up call to me that the typical forms of expressing gratitude are in fact self-centered.
The article title is, The Selfish Side of Gratitude, and it is worth a read to shake all of us up and out of some of our complacency and self-indulgence.
The article addresses the very popular notion of “an attitude of gratitude” and how proponents of positive thinking suggest that nourishing that attitude translates into increased happiness, better health, and overall wellbeing. The author points out that much of what we do to express gratitude does not require interactions with other people and is selfishness. An example of that selfishness is creating a gratitude journal and writing down things like being grateful for having a roof over your head and food on the table.
It is great…
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Resolutions: reloaded
Hellooo! I’m back after a month away from blogging. As it’s January all my available spare time has been absorbed by learning a new creative hobby (origami), yoga, avoiding sugar, spinning classes and getting up early to run. No sarcasm here – I really am a sucker for the ‘new year, new me’ stuff. Then by this point in January most of us are either exhausted (as I am) or have given up. So, how can we finally bring about lasting change in those areas of life we’d love to improve? Spoiler: it’s not by changing everything overnight then losing momentum by mid January! 😉
Remember, you have a whole year
January is few people’s favourite month, beset with cold weather, bills and darkness. After the guilty memories of Christmas excess begin to fade, it’s hard to stay motivated. Most of us would rather be hibernating, so a blustery subzero jog in the dark at 7am is uninviting to say the least. Yes, let’s make a start, just remember the new year is 12 months long. Take it slow and be realistic. There really is no point in starting a new habit that you simply won’t keep up. All that does is reinforce negative self image.
Make plans
Okay, so what are the changes you are really determined to make? When would you like to have achieved your goals? What does success look like and how will you reward yourself when you get there? Think about creating a realistic time frame but also perhaps linking to events happening during the year, e.g. lose x amount of weight in time for summer, quit smoking by my mum’s birthday, etc. Be specific: ‘to be able to run 10km’ instead of ‘start running ‘ or ‘fit into a size 10’ instead of ‘get slimmer ‘. Write it down!
Map the journey
You know where you want to be, so how will you get there? If it’s a habit change such as health, sport, diet, spending or addiction, there’s oodles of free stuff online to help you – no need to reinvent the wheel. Look for programmes that start with smaller steps and build up gently. Personalise your plan so it suits you. And of course, write it down! There’s some brilliant apps out there like coach.me which you can use to track your progress (coach.me even has built in plans to help develop new habits over time).
Start really, really small
Meditation for half an hour sounds intimidating? Or you managed for 3 days then gave up because it was too much too soon? There is an amount you can manage, I promise. Start with 5 deep breaths. Really. Just 5 deep breaths, where you’re focused on your breathing. Next week, try 10. The same applies for anything you’d like to start or stop. Finding it hard to change your diet overnight? Keep a food diary for a few days (this in itself will help) and then choose one small thing to change, like water instead of a regular soft drink. Next week, choose another thing. Stick to your plan and you’ll see change that really lasts.
Do it for the right reasons
This paragraph could be about 10 blog posts in itself, so apologies for skimming over things. Know this: shame is a terrible motivator. Using shame to try to change the behaviour of ourselves and others simply doesn’t work. Shame feeds addiction, it doesn’t fight it. Check out the work of the amazing Brené Brown for more on this. Same goes for self-hate and self-punishment. If these habit changes aren’t coming from a place of love and self-acceptance then cross out all the other goals and start with ‘be kind to myself’. Seriously, love yourself and doing what will make you healthy and happy will come naturally. It won’t come when you lose 10 pounds, clear your debts or get promoted. You’re worthy of love for who you are now. Get support from a therapist, friends, self help programme or a coach if you need it. (More on self love here.) You’re awesome, and if you don’t know that yet you need to find out.
How healthy is your sensory diet?
Our incredible brains are doing so much all the time that we are unaware of, barely aware, or take for granted. These processes include constantly creating a 3D visual representation of the information entering our eyes, filtering sensory input to decide if it’s relevant (then bringing it into conscious awareness or not), regulating bodily processes like breathing, and so much more. It’s amazing!
We humans have a powerful drive to make sense of the world around us. Of course we do, it’s obvious why – to survive and thrive, we need to be able to understand and predict. Plus, we need to focus and concentrate on the task at hand and what is relevant. Much of this brain work is outside of conscious awareness: we just perceive the finished result. What we see, hear, feel, smell and notice around us has been filtered by our busy brains. It simply wouldn’t be productive not to do this.
For example, unless you have a particular reason to do so, you probably haven’t noticed the top of your head for a while. Don’t touch it, just bring your awareness there (if the last sentence hasn’t already made you do so). Now, you can probably feel the hair follicles (or air if there’s no hair there), temperature, perhaps the air moving. You couldn’t feel that before because your brain deemed it irrelevant. You have much more important things to do!
Let’s get practical!
Theories of selective attention and sensory processing are so interesting to me, I could write about this all day. However, you might not like to read it all day! (If you do, see the links at the end.) This blog is about how we can apply psychology in practical ways, to improve our lives and general wellbeing. So, let’s talk about the practical stuff 😉
Priming
According to Wikipedia, priming is “an implicit memory effect in which exposure to one stimulus influences the response to another stimulus.” What that means is that seeing, hearing (or otherwise sensing) one thing will affect how we process and respond to other things. Memories and meanings associated with the stimulus are activated, too. Our perception is affected, and accordingly so are our thoughts and behaviour.
The fascinating – and scary – thing about priming is not only are we usually not aware of it happening, we can be primed by stimuli that we weren’t ever consciously aware of. And even if we perceived it, we don’t realise we were primed. If someone is kind to us, we then notice more of the positive aspects of the world around us and less of the negative (kindness priming). If we see the word ‘nurse’, we will then be quicker to recognise the word ‘doctor’. The appetising appearance and scent of the food we are about to eat will enhance the taste when we take a bite.
So, here’s the practical idea for today: what we surround ourselves with, what we focus on, it really matters. Having a smile on your face makes you find things funnier (really! read about it here). Positive affirmations really do make us feel better.
Do you have a healthy diet?
We see what we expect to see, and our expectations come partly from what we have just seen. So, just like you might think carefully about what you do and don’t put into your body to make it healthy, the same applies to the mind. Surround yourself with positivity and you will feel more positive. Your brain will be primed to notice the good things in your life and ignore the bad. Ditto negativity.
Not everyone goes for affirmations, positive quotes, etc. so do what works for you. For example, do you start your day hearing depressing news and people arguing about politics on talk radio? Why not try a classical music station instead, or a positive audio book? When you sit at your desk (or wherever you most often sit), what is on the wall in front of you? Try putting up a picture or quote that makes you smile. If you can improve your physical comfort at any point, do it – feeling uncomfortable will affect your perception, thoughts and actions, even if you think you’re ignoring it (I simply cannot see the positives in life if I’ve got cold, wet feet for example).
I don’t mean that we should live in a bubble away from reality. However, we don’t need to focus on the negative aspects of the world all day, either. Pay attention to your sensory diet, and you will notice a difference in the health of your mind.
Like to know more?
If you’re really interested in the psychology I’ve alluded to here, you might like to read this article on Psychology Today or perhaps this amazing book – Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.
DON’T BELIEVE
Love this!!
Don’t believe everything you read.
How about: Don’t believe everything you think?
Can you choose your empowering thoughts today?
Recommended blogs
After a few days away from the blogosphere, I returned to find some kind invites to WordPress blogging challenges and nominations for blogger awards. You know who you are – I deeply appreciate this, thank you. I don’t usually take part in these but it did remind me that I had been planning a monthly recommended blogs feature, with a focus on my areas of interest: self-healing, positivity, inspiration and mental health. I read so many beautiful words every time I’m on here, from so many inspiring and courageous people. So, today I am spreading the love and hopefully introducing these beautiful blogs to a few more readers. If you haven’t read these, check them out and enhance your life today! Enjoy 🙂
More to come next month, so watch this space.
In her own words: “One woman’s raw journey through incest, teen pregnancy, trauma, death, and family estrangement.” Sarah’s writing is full of candour, grace and dignity. As she shares her own journey of healing, she reaches out and supports others too. Humbling, inspirational and beautiful.
In their own words: “The only goal at Zest For Life is to inspire you. We want you to read this blog and be motivated by the stories you read and even submit some stories of your own.” Well, they are definitely achieving this goal from where I’m standing! Look out for the downloadable magazine which is set to be published for the first time in January 2016.
Professor Mitch Glodfarb is an experienced expert in Tai Chi, mindfulness and wellness, amongst many other things (check out his ‘about’ page – wow). His simple, profound words of wisdom are refreshing, intensely uplifting and thought-provoking; a daily lift.
Her powerful soul-baring poetry comes straight from her heart and will go straight into yours. She dedicates this blog to her beloved daughter who she tragically lost 7 years ago. Her writing is intense, beautiful and uplifting.
I cannot describe this invigorating writer better than she herself does, so here are her words: “A Fighter and A Survivor! The Author of this blog is a Single Mom with an un-breakable passion to LIVE the Life! I am not a Writer by profession, but one by passion. This Blog is my Life’s Journey through various experiences. The kind of experiences that helped me break out of an abusive relationship, fight hard against depression and start living a positively enriching life with my little boy!”
Described as: “A view from the inside of going through the mindfield of the british benefit system if you are disabled. ” And this candid, heartfelt blog is also humourous, supportive, illuminating… and so much more besides. I love the honest and positive view of mental health issues presented here.
Check out these fantastic blogs – truly, they will enrich not just your daily reading, but your life too!
[If one of these is yours and I’ve misrepresented you in any way or you want the link removed, please tell me straight away and I will make the correction.]
Here’s how I quit smoking
Hey, so I don’t smoke now! It feels fantastic!
As it says on my ‘about’ page, I’m all about spreading the love. To me that means making sure the message is both general and universal, so that the largest possible amount of readers can apply the tips and ideas to improve their lives and overall happiness. I don’t usually write in first-person or about my own direct experiences on this blog.
Today is different. I don’t claim to have researched this fully, seen it in different contexts or looked at how others can apply it. It’s not a specialist area of mine. This is just what I did and it worked for me. It might work for you, it might not. My advice is do it your own way, whatever feels right.
Anyway, here’s how I quit smoking:
I wanted to
Not only did I want to, I did it for me and didn’t tell or involve anyone else, not even my girlfriend or close family. The journey was mine and mine alone. I think this took the pressure off too, as I wasn’t worried about pleasing others. Also, it helped with the next point…
Not making it a big deal
This one is a little hard to explain. I sort of just let myself know that this was not a hard thing to do. The meaning of things that we experience is mostly made up in our own heads, that’s what I think (I wrote about it here). The emotional, physical, cognitive and behavioural effects of quitting smoking are really not that intense. They are not as bad as having flu, important exams, bereavement, a relationship breakup, anxiety attacks, or many other things that I’ve experienced in my life and come through fine. Stopping smoking is hard because we believe it’s hard, that is the only reason. I didn’t get super excited when I went a day without smoking and nor did I feel that upset the couple of times I gave in and had a fag. Not a big deal.
Giving up the whole thing
When I stopped smoking, I also gave up nicotine (i.e. no gum or vaping) and taking little ‘time out’ breaks. The reasoning was, if the habits are still there, it is easy to pick up a cigarette. Get rid of both the addiction and the habits – I think that really made it easier. Picking up a piece of gum is so close to picking up a cigarette; it’s too easy to go back. This way, I was able to forget about smoking completely, not keep returning to it and obsessing.
Absolute conviction
I didn’t ‘try’, ‘hope’, ‘aim’ or ‘believe’ that I could quit smoking: I knew. Just quiet knowing, no pushing or trying.
Self-help audio
Before, during and after, it was Wayne Dyer 24/7! Not his work on quitting smoking, though; stuff to do with spirituality, love and belief like The Power of Intention and Secrets to Manifesting Your Destiny. I love a bit of Dyer.
Something ‘clicked’
I read this article on Vice, casually, not with the aim of self-development. It’s funny how something can influence us when we least expect it. There was a part that just totally clicked for me:
“It is my job to track and respect people’s choices,” said Cohen, “and especially to help them understand and find new ways to manage the emotions that smoking is helping them medicate.” Some of which, she said, if unchecked can create a distance between a person and the possibility of living a deeply rewarding life.
According to Cohen, smoking, like any other addictive substance, while typically mislabelled as a stress reliever, functions more so as a distraction from issues lying beneath the surface.
“It has been my experience that a person’s relationship to smoking will become less compelling if they are less fearful of their feelings and of their previous traumatic experiences,” said Cohen.
I gained the clarity that as I seek to be a congruent person, as far as possible, smoking is not something I can do any more. I believe that the more congruent our internal and external worlds are, the happier and more purposeful our lives become. Smoking is not the behaviour of a healthy, self-loving person. I realised that it was out-of-date, a throwback from a lifestyle and way of thinking that isn’t mine any more. I didn’t need it as an emotional crutch like I used to. If I am having a problem coping with my emotions, I have so many other strategies now that I can use. Smoking isn’t just unhealthy, it’s no longer necessary.
Hypnosis
Check out Michael Sealey on YouTube: seriously, this man is amazing! I have listened to (and benefitted greatly from) several of his hypnotherapy sessions, including this one (video below). I listened to it once, then again a few days later when my resolve faltered a bit. It really helped with what I said earlier about how we choose the meaning of things we experience – it was a fast-track to changing some of my associations and feelings. I have heard a lot of people say they don’t like the idea of ‘losing control’ during hypnosis. I would say that, for me, it gives me a greater feeling of control. It helped me do something that I really wanted to do, after all.
So, for once an entirely personal / journal style blog post from me with no intention of giving advice. I do hope that there might be some inspiration here, though. Perhaps today is the day that something will ‘click’ for you…
Self-love, affection and kindness
Showing love for others is simple; with ourselves it can be hard to even know what it looks like, let alone do it. If you are struggling with the concept of true self-love (and you are not alone here), it’s often helpful to frame it in the context of showing love for another person. Using that analogy, here are a few key points:
1 – Acceptance and appreciation
Look at the faces and bodies of the people you truly love – your family, best friends or partner – and you will see nothing but beauty. Why? Is this because they are physically ‘perfect’ according to some socially constructed, artificial standard of beauty? No, it is because you love them. Do they have ‘flaws’? It actually feels quite uncomfortable to describe these people as ‘flawed’, does it not? Because to you, they are perfect, because you love them. Do not try to love yourself ‘in spite of’ your flaws. With love, there is no such thing as ‘flaws’. If you have aspects of yourself that you would like to work on, see the next few points…
2 – Standards and expectations: both gentle and firm
We tend to be harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else, yet we also let ourselves get away with more. By doing both of these, we let ourselves down – allowing the spiral of self-hate and self-doubt to continue. It is effective to look at this from the point of view of parenting, mentoring or teaching. Through this frame, it becomes clear that it’s possible to have very high standards and expectations which come from a loving place. High expectations come as a result of holding someone in high regard and wanting the best for them. It is possible to be both gentle and firm with yourself, as you would be with another. Reach for the stars and cushion yourself if you fall.
3 – Kindness, care and compassion
If a loved one came to you crying, you wouldn’t shout, “Get back to work, you’re pathetic!” From someone we love, we do not expect perfection. We know that on their bad days they will not achieve as much, and that’s fine. We know why: it’s because they’re hurting. All we want to do is make them feel better. You’d give them a break, a cuddle, a cup of tea. You’d do whatever you knew would comfort them, be kind be gentle and try not to apply undue pressure. If they reacted to something in a less-than-ideal way while under stress, did a task less well or not at all, would you be angry? Of course not. You would see that this is a time when they need more of your love, not less. Be kind to yourself, more so when you are hurting, not less.
4 – Apology and forgiveness
In the journey towards self-acceptance and love, there may be moments when you recall times when you have let yourself down or hurt yourself on purpose. You might feel unsettled, guilty or ashamed. First of all, it’s fantastic that you feel that way. It’s a sign of your growing self-love that you feel bad about those times – just as if you’d hurt anyone you love. What needs to follow is apology and forgiveness. It may help you to say this out loud or write it down. Next, commit to avoiding negative actions and words towards yourself in future. Don’t expect perfection. If you have a close family or friendship group, this a good analogy. We do our best, but we lash out, use harsh words and let each other down. We apologise and mean it. We forgive. The love remains unconditional.
5 – Giving thanks
Remember that time when you felt like you couldn’t go on, but somehow you did? Remember when you did that thing which made a huge, positive difference to where you are now? Give genuine apologies and forgiveness for the bad stuff, then sincere and heartfelt thanks for the good stuff. All those great things you achieved for yourself – large and small – imagine how grateful you’d feel towards anyone who did that for you. Well, someone did. It was you.
6 – Words
Negative inner dialogue can be a habit that’s hard to break. Here’s an opportunity to use all of the above – have high expectations of your ability to improve your self-talk, commit to yourself, but forgive and show kindness if you slip. There’s how you talk to yourself in your head, then there’s how you describe yourself to others. If a partner puts you down in front of others, that’s called abuse. We don’t abuse the ones we love. Changing habits takes time. It’s okay to reach out for help and there’s plenty out there, such as coaching, counselling, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) or CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Do some research and find out what works for you. I cannot overstate the importance of positive self-talk.
7 – Support and belief
My sister is a teacher and head of department. I’m very proud of her. I know that her job is really hard in a multitude of ways and she’s great at it. I don’t doubt her abilities for a second. I don’t lie awake worrying about whether she’ll fail or not, because I have absolute belief in her. If she makes a mistake then I see that for what it is: no big deal; no reflection on her talent or potential. None of this sounds irrational or illogical, does it? So, why not see yourself this way? It’s not arrogant, just loving.
Is love for self ‘selfish’? No. If there is hate inside you, it will spill out into the world. From love for self comes the ability to give love to others. If you have spent time in the presence of a truly peaceful, happy and contented person, you will know the value that self-love and self-acceptance has for others; just being around that person will make you happier.
Alice the Coach 